I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
