This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We need to get me chipped asap
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
