How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Acid is not a monday night drug
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
