if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i love accidental penises.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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