im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
this hospital has no fireball
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.