There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.