So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
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I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude