I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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