If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I puked a lego.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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