I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
