Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
