Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
