all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
