TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
