i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
