i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
