So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
