I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
