when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
