Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
