so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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