where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
