His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
