I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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