apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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