20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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