at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
