i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we made out on top of his cat.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
