I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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