What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
