his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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