I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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