When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
