so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize