I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
