it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
