so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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