I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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