I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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