guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
