did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
