It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
