I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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