you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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