At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
