hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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