I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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