I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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