he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
