I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
