im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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