Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
