hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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