my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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