wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
