John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
