I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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