I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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