Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she told me i tasted like america
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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